The Big Race

Thirty solid days of rain in May put a big dent in my Red Hook Brewery 5k training. I felt pretty good going into the race. I was twenty pounds lighter and had hit the free weights and elliptical for five days a week for a few months. Unfortunately all that air conditioned gym time didn't prepare me for the outdoors.

For starters it was like running on the frigging sun. It was arguably the hottest day of the damn summer and there was zero shade. I have pretty Irish skin so I greased up with the SPF3000. Sadly I didn't think to drink any water before the race. I did, however, whiskey myself to sleep the night before and of course drank a big ass coffee that morning. I realized this about ten minutes into the race when my left calve suddenly cramped and gave out.

Now would be a good point to introduce the second joy of outdoor running - Pavement. Normally hell on the knees, doubly so when you are effectively pogo-sticking down the road on one leg.

I was running along at a decent clip when it happened, poof, one leg gone. I thought I was going to eat pavement. I was pitching dangerously forward when I found myself flanked by a high school cheer leading team. Twiggy little things in matching pink outfits. It would have been like bowling if I fell just then. An absolute pink horror show. By sheer force of will I hobbled along at a hop scurry until they all went safely by.

Then I watched a pregnant woman trot past me. Then a few little kids. I could hear a drumming sound behind me and some coughing. I wanted to look back to see how far back the end of the crowd was. Bare minimum out of seventeen hundred something people I didn't want to finish dead last. I turned my head mid-stride and it was like the Old Country Buffet back there. Like church just let out. Grey hair as far as the eye can see. There were younger people too, but that was mostly because they were stuck behind the shambling pack of senior citizens. I was mortified. They were gaining on me.

I cut across to the far side of the street and used the curb to limber up my calve. I did a few stretches. And then I put a little comfort room between me and the greys. I caught up to the pregnant woman too.

The tables lined up with water signified we had reached the first mile and a half. This was the only water stop so I threw down a few cups and took one for the road. I dropped that one when my stomach squeezed in pain. I didn't throw up but it was close.

I finished in 45 minutes. Seven hundred or so people finished behind me. My brother finished in 27 minutes. He's taller. After the race there was free beer for anyone that donated to the charity. I like free beer.

For the next four days I walked like a crab. Thighs totally shot.

I'm running another one in October. I'm a slow learner.